A Former Lesbian’s Conversion Story

I just came across this article today from LifeSiteNews.  It’s a beautiful story of conversion, of hope, and the transformation of a painful life by the grace of God.

Her story calls to mind parts of my own, where both she and I felt, (in her words), that “no one would ever truly love me. Not even God.”  My poem Discarded reflects the way I felt most of my life:  No one, no where, would–or could–ever find me worth loving.  This belief seemed borne out in my life both from perceived (and real) rejection I received from nearly every woman towards whom I ever expressed interest.

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The USCCB On the “Deeply Flawed Anthropology” of Sexual Orientation

This news piece comes to us from Catholic Culture:

The staff of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops’ Subcommittee for the Promotion and Defense of Marriage is publishing a seven-part series of blog posts in the wake of recent Supreme Court decisions on same-sex marriage.

In the most recent installment, the staff criticized “the flawed anthropology of sexual orientation”:

The problem with treating “sexual orientation” as a description of a class of people is that it proposes a deeply flawed anthropology, or understanding of the human person. Christian anthropology teaches that each person is called to accept his or her sexual identity as a man or as a woman (Catechism, no. 2333). This is consistent with the understanding that man – male and female – is a unity of body and soul (Catechism, no. 362-368). Our identity as human persons is intimately connected with our identity as a man or as a woman. In short, the body matters. 

What the language of “sexual orientation” does, anthropologically, is separate one’s identity from one’s bodily nature as a man or woman, placing a premium on one’s desires and inclinations. The body then becomes a “bottom layer” – essentially meaningless matter – over which one’s “real” identity – comprised of desires and inclinations – is super-imposed.

The full blog post from the USCCB can be found here.

An Ontological Orientation Oxymoron

I’ve just recently become aware of a new (to me) voice in the “I’m gay but chaste” collection of Christian writers.  I was reading a recent piece by Julie Rodgers, and I stopped and scratched my head when I read this line:

When Christians respond to every gay person focusing primarily on a person’s sexuality, we’re neglecting the whole human person.

This is a strange sentence, from an ontological perspective, within the Catholic Church’s anthropology.

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Papal Theologian on Gay Identity

I have a new essay up at First Things about the interview embedded below.  Below you can find a transcript I made of the pertinent sections of the interview.

There is a longstanding tradition in the Holy See, from the Middle Ages, that there is a Dominican within the Papal Court, or within the Holy See, with the task and the office of the Papal Theologian.  It used to be known as the Master of the Sacred Palace.  And the most important mission that I have here is that all the speeches which are written for the Pope, before the Pope receives them, they have to be checked and within the procedure of the speechwriting, the Papal Theologian has to ensure that the text is acceptable.  And then of course the Holy Father is free to ad. lib., to add, to change, to drop, but nevertheless the idea is that what he’s given, what is prepared for him, is also theologically correct, and so that’s the reason why I live here in the Apostolic Palace.  And my mission is basically that.  Of course there are other things which I am doing as well, but that is the fundamental reason. Continue reading

A New First Things Piece

Here’s my new piece about identity, up at First Things.

The essence of my piece can be summed up in this paragraph:

Since I am Catholic, the sexual identity I am called to embrace is my maleness; my true orientation is towards women, my true sexual complement. Insofar as I am attracted to men rather than women, I do not discover a different essential orientation within myself, but rather a disorientation of my sexual attractions. A homosexual “orientation,” no matter how strongly it is subjectively experienced within our person, does not exist within God’s blueprint for humanity. We know this based on the authority of the Church, the custodian and interpreter of revelation.

Chaput on Same Sex Marriage

To begin this post, let me start out by saying that I’m not interested too much in being a part of the fight against same sex “marriage.”  It’s not that I don’t want to see it prevented, or that I don’t think that it’s a dangerous road for society to go down, since I do believe it will have disastrous consequences for society.  I think the Church, and all people who value the institution of marriage, do well to fight against it.  I just don’t want my life with same sex attraction to cause me to be involved in that battle, because I feel that my vocation is rather to promote the beauty of the Church’s teachings for same sex attracted individuals.  The Body of Christ is large.  I will pray about the dignity of marriage, but I rely on others to fight that battle, since I don’t want to become involved with politics.

With that being said, though this post on same sex marriage by Archbishop Chaput of Philadelphia is excellent, what I want to focus on is not so much the arguments contained within the article about marriage, but rather his terminology.

Never once in his article does Chaput use the terms homosexual, gay or lesbian.  He instead opts for the term that I continue to advocate, and that Courage teaches her members to use, which stems from a desire to be faithful to the Church’s teaching on sexual identity.

When another author might say “the homosexual lobby,” Chaput consciously writes, “the same-sex lobby.”  When discussing what others would term “gay adoption,” Chaput writes about “same-sex couples adopting children.”

The following section from Chaput’s article is pithy, and well argued, but I take much more from it than merely framing the current tenor of the debate:

Persons with same-sex attraction have the same basic dignity as other people and the same right to be free from fear and intimidation.  But a right to redefine the nature of marriage does not follow.  In fact, the marriage debate has now morphed into emotionally streamlined theater, with same-sex couples cast as victims unjustly denied their rights, and supporters of traditional marriage cast as misguided fearmongers and bigots.

The first sentence is derived from paragraph 2358 of the Catechism, which tells us that people like me “must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity.  Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided.”  (Suffice it to say many on the Catholic left twist this to suggest that denying marriage to same-sex couples is “unjust discrimination,” which is merely a tendentious reading).

What I have come to believe is that the fundamental dignity of men and women like me who live with same sex attraction should motivate the Church to actually work to free us from the notion that we are a member of the “LGBTQ community,” in the way in which the “LGBTQ community” defines the human person.  Every letter in that particular alphabet soup reflects a lie about the human person, concocted by man, and in this, Chaput is actually respecting the God given dignity of every man, woman and child, by refusing to use culturally constructed imaginations of the human person.  To me, for people like Eve Tushnet, Joshua Gonnerman, Melinda Selmys and others like them, the Church needs to propose a new “coming out” for them, and others who identity so strongly with the “LGBTQ” community.  I have become convinced that for those who cling so strongly to a gay identity, this identity has become a land to which they have not been willing to leave, contrary to the invitation of God and the Church.  I think it is their Ur, which God called Abram from out of, and I think this is part of the good news of the Church.

The identity debate I think will be a mere blip on the Catholic radar screen.  Like so many other faulty notions of man which have entered into the Church through the millennia, it will be resolved, and the language used by Chaput in this document suggests to me where the Church is headed.  Archbishop Cordileone’s appointment to San Francisco seems quite telling as well. He recently censored the Catholic Association for Lesbian and Gay Ministry for not being authentically Catholic, in part because of their use of the terms “gay and lesbian,” which he said aren’t in the vocabulary of the Church.

 

Men, Women and Sexual Identity

I like what this guy has to say about sex, gender and identity:

So by this point it should be plain that I don’t accept the contemporary uses of the term “gender” over and against “sex.” In fact, “gender” is a linguistic term, something for words, words which lack “sex” altogether. “Sex,” on the other hand is directly related to our human reproductive organs, and we live all of our lives as sexual persons, as men on the one hand and women on the other. And one does not even have to “have sex” to be sexual. Such is the fallacy of our day. Again “asexual” is a term which actually means “having no sexual organs.” It does not mean virginity, nor does it mean a platonic relationship. If you want to know your sexuality, you should just take a look. You are either male or female.

 

This relates to the categories of “heterosexual” and “homosexual” quite directly. Those terms are of very late vintage and they presume that humans are more or less chemically-determined to inevitably and incontestably act in certain ways. It’s founded on a base-level materialism, but one, strangely, not connected to natural law.

“My Train Wreck Conversion”

There is a recent article from Christianity Today that is definitely worth a read.  The woman writes well, and her message of viewing her lesbian identity as a case of mistaken identity aligns very closely with my views about sexual identity.  One excerpt is worth highlighting:

Am I a lesbian, or has this all been a case of mistaken identity? If Jesus could split the world asunder, divide marrow from soul, could he make my true identity prevail? Who am I? Who will God have me to be?

 

Her question is the most fundamental question any of us can ask:  who am I?  And I think in turning her back on a lesbian identity, she began to see who God made her to be.  There is freedom in knowing our Maker, and in knowing the way in which we were made.

Running the Race–It Ain’t Necessarily Easy

Dear Christopher,

Thanks for writing.  It’s great hearing from you, as always.  I’m glad to hear that the new school year is off to a roaring start.  Congratulations for being nominated for the Academic Quiz Team!  You always were a bright guy, and I’m sure you’ll make your school proud.  I had no idea that such things were “lettered” sports events.  Does this mean you can get a jacket?  As far as I’m concerned, high school would have been much better for me if sporting events utilized the brain more than brawn.  I don’t really like our sports obsessed world.  Sometimes I think I would have preferred to have been born in a different century.  Preferably one without ESPN.

The Drama Club should be a lot of fun too.  We didn’t have very many clubs when I was in school, but I sure enjoyed my times in the high school musicals.  Some of my fondest memories of high school come from backstage shenanigans and the fun of hamming it up onstage with friends.  Let me know when you’ll be performing, since I’ll be there, front and center.

The Gay-Straight Alliance that you’re checking out is obviously interesting to me.  I have to say that I agree, in part, with what your advisor said to you all.  Of course, there naturally would be a sense of relief after “coming out” that someone else finally knows, but I don’t necessarily believe it follows that the only way to live a fulfilled, psychologically healthy life is “by admitting to yourself and others that you’re gay,” as she said to your group.  I remember when I was 12 or so, wishing there was someone, somewhere I could tell about this part of my life, and yet I didn’t have anyone I felt comfortable talking to about this.  I do think that teenagers who “come out” in adolescence and high school probably feel a form of relief that I certainly didn’t feel back then in adolescence, since this part of their life now is no longer hidden. In part, I  agree with your advisor.  Middle schoolers and high schoolers shouldn’t keep this a secret—though I think they should be very prudent about who they tell (family or a priest first, and only, in the beginning, methinks). The problem in my mind with high schoolers “coming out” is that it’s a label that sticks and usually causes unforeseen problems in and of itself, and I don’t like the strange ritualized way in which “coming out” has been trumpeted.  I’ve yet to “come out,” and never will–even though lots of people know I like guys.  (But that’s a topic for another email, if you’d like).

Your advisor is right too in saying that the only way to true happiness is to be honest about yourself and who you are.  If we lie to ourselves, that leads to psychological duress and turmoil.  The question, of course, is how do we determine the truth about ourselves and about who we are, which I’ve touched on a bit before.  There have really only ever been two ways of viewing man:  through the eyes of God, or through the eyes of man.  I choose to believe what Pope Paul VI said:  The Church is expert in humanity.  I trust the Church now, more than I do society, including  psychologists who like to think that they’re the experts in humanity.  Did you know that Pope John Paul II wrote an entire encyclical that touches on those two competing views of the truth?  I’ll just quote a quick section, from “The Splendor of Truth,” for you to consider:

In fact, while the behavioural sciences, like all experimental sciences, develop an empirical and statistical concept of “normality”, faith teaches that this normality itself bears the traces of a fall from man’s original situation — in other words, it is affected by sin.  Only Christian faith points out to man the way to return to “the beginning” (cf. Mt 19:8), a way which is often quite different from that of empirical normality. Hence the behavioural sciences, despite the great value of the information which they provide, cannot be considered decisive indications of moral norms. It is the Gospel which reveals the full truth about man and his moral journey, and thus enlightens and admonishes sinners; it proclaims to them God’s mercy, which is constantly at work to preserve them both from despair at their inability fully to know and keep God’s law and from the presumption that they can be saved without merit. God also reminds sinners of the joy of forgiveness, which alone grants the strength to see in the moral law a liberating truth, a grace-filled source of hope, a path of life.

For me, Christopher, I’ve come to view the behavioral sciences like JPII does:  they do great good, but they can also get things wrong about man because of the traces of the fall “from our original situation.”  Much truth certainly exists in psychology.  Heck—I’ve gone to therapists before and benefitted greatly from talking with them. What JPII tells us in this encyclical, though, is that what psychologists teach us about man must be in alignment with what God has revealed about man, in order for it to be considered true and trustworthy.  As for me, I trust the Church more than I do the American Psychological Association, and it’s within the Church’s teaching that I find “liberating truth,” though following it is hard as heck for me sometimes!

Which brings me back to your other question.  Do I truly feel at peace with myself, based on the choice I made to try and embrace the Church’s teaching?  Here’s the honest answer:  I suppose I feel as much peace in my life as a marathon runner does in the middle of a race.  My life isn’t a bed of roses—trying to live by the Church’s teaching is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, because it goes against all of my strongest desires and inclinations.  I wish the world were such that I could live the way I want to live my life, but like a man who’s volunteered for the military, or for a man who chooses to run a marathon, I knew that what I was signing up for wasn’t easy.  But that’s part of the appeal of living the Christian life, don’t you think?  That being said, on a lot of days, I just want to throw in the towel, and give up the race, but then I am reminded of what kind of stuff we’re made of (image of God material), and what we’re made for (following Christ’s example).

In this summer of the Olympics, these words of St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 9 have been on my mind:

“Do you not realize that, though all the runners in the stadium take part in the race, only one of them gets the prize?  Run like that—to win.  Every athlete concentrates completely on training, and this is to win a wreath that will wither, whereas ours will never wither.  So that is how I run, not without a clear goal; and how I box, not wasting blows on air.  I punish my body and bring it under control, to avoid any risk that, having acted as herald for others, I myself may be disqualified.”

Or consider the words of the writer of Hebrews in chapter 12:

“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

See, we’re made for something other than an easy life.  I’m called to a greater dignity than merely living the life I want to live.  We were made to RUN, to work just as hard as athletes do in the Olympics.  We’re not called to be couch potatoes in our spiritual life.  Athletes get up off their butt, and do battle with their will, with a specific goal in mind.  In the midst of the pain of training, they push through the “punishing of the body” because of the goal that they have set before them.  They see the challenge, and rise to it—because they will only be fulfilled when they’re actually in the race!  This kind of challenge is what we’re made for, not the peace and fulfillment that Gay/Straight Alliance Advisors all across the world advocate for people like me.  I’m convinced that’s the peace of the world—which ultimately, in my mind, is a mirage and a bunch of false promises.

When Christ says to us in John 14, “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful,” I think most of us want this to mean we’re going to live a life of easy, peaceful tranquility where every bump in the road is leveled out, where we’re happy to get up each day, and our lives are free from difficulty.  This, I’m convinced, is what most people think the “peace that surpasses all understanding” is all about.  I know I once thought this myself.

I’ve come to realize that what I once believed about this is very messed up thinking.  That’s the peace “as the world gives.”  Let’s be honest about the peace that Christ gives:  it’s the peace that led so many of the disciples to be crucified, just like their Lord and Savior.  That’s a strange sense of peace, ain’t it?

When I think about what your advisor told you in your meeting, I think about the life of Christ and how His life exhibited “peace and fulfillment.”  Do you think that your advisor would say that Christ chose the path which led to his peace, at least as she understands the term (and indeed the way most in the APA view the term)?  The.Man.Sweat.Blood.  That’s a crazy kind of peace, I’d say, but that’s the peace of Christ that apparently we are called to live out—at least at times.  And yet, even though Christ sweat blood in the Garden, even though his disciples deserted him in his hour of need, and even though His own Father forsook Him, there’s never been a man more filled with peace than Christ.  Why? Because at all times He was in the middle of the will of His Heavenly Father.  Ultimately, the only place where peace and a fulfilled life can be found is in living out the will of God in our lives, and this means running a race, not sitting at the sidelines eating popcorn.  Or in my case, living a sexually active life.

I hate that this is so.  Certainly, my life doesn’t always exhibit freedom from inner turmoil.  Your advisor is exactly right in thinking that the lives of people who choose to embrace the Church’s teaching on sexuality can be very difficult.  But who cares about that?  Seriously.  We’re not made for Disneyland, for crying out loud!  I think of the words from Hebrews referring to Christ sweating blood in Gethsemane: “You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin.”

But remember: there is Godly peace in this path!  A runner who has finally seen the day for which he has trained feels like he’s finally living out what he was made to do.  The painful training that leads up to the day of the race is what he’s made for too.  I would imagine for an Olympic athlete, at the moment when he stands on the Olympic platform, and feels the gold medal hanging around his neck, every agonizing moment of training is forgotten.  He’d do it all over again too!

If your advisor asked me if I felt peace in my life, I’d be honest and say no…and yes.  I’d tell her that I’m trying to run the race of my life, and that I hate how agonizing the journey sometimes is to fight against my passions and desires to be with another man.  I’d tell her that there’s definitely pain involved, but that it’s the “good kind of pain.”  I’d tell her that my life of training is filled with lots of ups and downs, with lots of scraped knees and broken bones, but that the goal in mind is always worth it, even when I’m running against a major headwind, and fighting against sleet and hail as it sometimes feels.  I’d tell her that though sometimes I feel like I’m climbing up the side of a mountain, the occasional vistas make it worthwhile.  I’d tell her that I’m not alone in the journey, and that some of my dearest friends in life are running the same race, and that we spur each other on towards the finish line.  I’d tell her that when one of us falls, there are hands all around, reaching down to pick us back up.  I’d tell her that we all take heart in all those saints who have gone before, and shown that the race can indeed be won.  I’d tell her that it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but there is peace in knowing that I’m at least trying to run the race, and that most of the time, I feel like I’m in last place.  Finally, I’d tell her I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’ll leave you with two quotes that mean the world to me, from two of my favorite writers.  I think about them in terms of living out the Christian ideal of chastity:

G. K. Chesterton wrote, “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.”

And from a favorite author of yours, C. S. Lewis, comes one of my top five favorite quotes of all time:

“If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it’s not so bad.”

A lot of people might think the choice to follow the Church’s teachings on sexuality make life quite intolerable.  On the contrary, I think it assures us that life’s not so bad.

God bless you, and tell me anything—even if some of the stuff I wrote ticked you off.  I want to know.  🙂

You  remain in my prayers,

Your Godfather,

Nathaniel